Loving Deeply Gives you Strength

Hello friends and welcome to the liver blog. In honor of our wedding anniversary, 13 years tomorrow, April 30, I wanted to reprint something from the Care Pages, which was a way for so many of you to walk with us quite literally through the valley of the shadow of death. We will never ever forget that. One of my leadership classmates, my mentor, and an amazing woman, Lynae, says I should turn those care pages into a book. One day. Anyway, without further ado, here's one of the dispatches.

* * *

Poisoned and Purified. We got to that place.

Bob is a polite patient, as I mentioned before. Like the English Patient. Body immobile, but all over with heart and soul. I have not been the model caretaker. No Juliet Binoche here, the actress who nursed the English Patient in that magnificent movie. When Bob was first getting sick, I was resentful. The naps were too long. The laundry was piling up. He couldn’t walk up to campus to see his bishop from NYC. I did the kids, dinner, dishes, homework, and bedtime. I was even keeping track. Eight days in bed, I remember thinking. I had no idea that counting days was the luxury of an illness that Bob did not have. Nor how completely small minded I was being.

When we came home after Bob’s first hospital stay in early November, I was so tired. I couldn’t even drive over to fill his new prescriptions. I just went to bed. And Bob had a scratch attack, of which I didn’t fully understand at the time. He came back to the bedroom, flipped on the light and asked where his medications where. ‘I’m just so tired, I can’t get them now.’ I went back to sleep. And I was mad. Later in the drug store, I called Bob on the cell phone and told him I was tired and trying my best. Give me a break. Over and out.

When I got home, he asked me to sit by him. With a shaky voice and watery eyes and the most contrite face you can ever imagine, he unabashedly apologized right into my core. I am so sorry. You are taking such good care of me and this is how I treat you. That was so wrong. I am so sorry. How can I treat you that way. After everything you’ve done for me. I am very, very sorry. I was terrible.

And I was transformed. I felt the full force of his poisoned body and his purified spirit.

Our relationship instantly became as sincere as it’s ever been. And it remains that way today. Actually, that’s how Bob and I feel about everyone now. All of you. One and all. Just so truly full of love. All the petty stuff is gone. The trivia just – puff – went away. When I am able to tell him any sort of good news, he is just genuinely happy. We both are. Josephine and Robby are having a baby boy. Beautiful. Lonn and Martha went to Duluth. That’s great. The basketball team is assembled. I’m so glad. The Rosa's family picture. That's gorgeous. Alternatively, Mom Speirs and I are careful in how we present sad news, because his grief seems more profound. Even for people he doesn’t know.

We are there. We got to that place in a marriage, a friendship, a relationship where you try so hard to get to but can’t easily find. Like a love song that you think doesn’t exist. Where you genuinely put the needs of the other person first. And you know its mutual. We found it in the dark. And I want to stay there when we get out of this cave.

Lately, the little red sores, the petechiae, which were previously head to toe, are almost gone. During a scratch attack, the petechiae would open and turn Bob’s back into a red plaid mess. Like he’s auditioning for a Mel Gibson movie or something. The fact that those horrible little things have mostly vanished is one of those good signs about which I keep reminding both Bob and me.

Bob’s skin seems to be moving to the next stage in that it’s exfoliating from head to toe. I’m also taking that as a good sign even as it really bothers Bob. Aveeno oatmeal scrubs ahoy. We’re gonna wash that jaundice right out of your skin. I use the imagery of a butterfly coming out of its cocoon. Of a body cleansing. Away with the old, in with the new life. Your body will soon be as whole as your mind and soul. Rebirth. Renewal. Resurrection.

Last night I talked with Fin, one of his basketball boys from church – the cute one eating pizza in the picture, sitting right next to Bob. He said that next Sunday is their first game and they’re dedicating it to ‘the Coach.’ Kids have a purity right from the start, at least the kids that Bob knows all seem to.

You are all beautiful. With love, T

* * *

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength. . .
. . .Loving someone deeply gives you courage. Lao Tzu

(One of the little sayings on the wall in the transplant unit at Mayo.)

Happy Anniversary Sweetie!!!!! :-) xoxoxoxoxox :-)

Dedicated to my most amazing LWR colleagues, past and present

i thank You God for this amazing

I thank you God for most this amazing Day:
For the leaping Greenly Spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky
and for everything which is natural which is infinite
which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today
and this is the sun's birthday
this is the birthday of life
and of love and wings
and of the gay green happening
illimitably earth)

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

how should tasting touching hearing
seeing breathing any
lifted from the no of all nothing
human merely being doubt
unimaginably you?

(how the ears of my ears awake and
how the eye3s of my eyes are opened)

Poem by ee cummings, courtesy of my dear friend Martha A.

* * *

Thanks, everyone, for a great week and an amazing 13 years. Especially for all the 'yesses' yet to come, as we join together around the point.

Time for Saturday morning swimming lessons. Got the ipod synched.

With love, T

What's the Point?

So this is what planning looks like at LWR. Lots-o-brilliant ideas, talented colleagues, and fabulous shoes. With thanks to Fran, although this picture only begins to do justice to these stylish sling backs and stunning goals.

The only thing is, I'm starting to wonder how the vision for peace and dignity for every one and every generation really works for me, because while others are taking in some karaoke -- boring old me is blogging in pajamas. I am so tired! And I can't even blame my kids or favorite liver.

Why? Oh, just dinners and conversations and dreams and workplans and friends and walking dogs among peppermint tulips. You should have seen the three very beautiful cousins of Shakira who showed up for a farewell party of a beloved colleague. Oh my goodness, just, well, imagine a whole room full of people laughing loudly for ten minutes straight. Good bye, Aleida! Thank you for teaching me how to spell Colombia (as in the country of, with an "o" not a "u").

Anyway, that is me here in Baltimore. And this is what I have waiting for me in St. Paul. A self portrait of one of the many points to all this.

Goodnight, friends!!! Thanks so much for coming over to the liver blog.

With love, T

A Tuesday in Baltimore

Question: What is the name of this quilt pattern.


Answer: Many trips around the world.

Isn't it pretty? It was designed in honor of my grandmother and Mrs. Elsie Feistner and the thousands and thousands of others who for decades have hand sewn quilts for people all around the world who need some extra TLC. (Speaking from experience, TLC helps.)

This is a view from the rooftop deck of the Good Samaritan Quilt Plaza that welcomes people to the building that houses the headquarters of Lutheran Immigration and Refugee Service, Lutheran Services of America, the Delaware-Maryland ELCA Synod, and Lutheran World Relief.

And how's about this for the best lunch spot in town. The view of the Inner Harbor up and out the other side of the roof top patio. The view was even better before the Science Museum decided to expand; just as the neighbors must surely remember when the view was better yet before all the Lutherans built on this nice little donated waterfront piece-o-land. But we're good neighbors, so no hard feelings. Besides, the 25 cent beer joints are still all around the harbor, according to my brother Tom, paramedic-extraordinaire, who was here recently at a paramedic convention.

This is a drive-by so I'm sorry to not know the name of the church. But very cute that the city bus driver waited for me to take the picture before passing us. It's just up the street of where I'm staying.

And now for the grand finale' here are the LWR India staff, who are here for planning meetings. I'll say one thing for LWR, there's a-lotta planning going on. But it pays off, because, for example, these people are doing amazing things all over India, including conducting a ten-year Tsunami rebuilding plan. With how many staff, you ask? You're virtually looking at them all. (Sara, by the way works at HQ) We are bare bones, baby. It's because of the way LWR works with local partners. Uh oh, I'm starting to sound like I'm working. Anyway, their names: Troty, Sara, Rakhi, Prabhat, and moi.

Once again, why am I blogging instead of sleeping? Thanks for coming over to the liver blog. By the way, my favorite liver and his servant, Bob, and the kids are doing great at home. With a lotta help from friends, it seems, especially since this is also the week that Bob gets to do a little filling in at Redeemer in North Minneapolis, with Pastor Kelly Chatman gone for the week. Thanks everyone for helping out with bus stop, soccer, swimming, and karate duty!!! x0x0x0x0 Is there anything better than great neighbors. No.

With love, T

Feast on your life

Hello friends, thanks so much for coming over to the liver blog.

I made it to LWR headquarters!! 85 degrees here today. Here are some of my awesome colleagues, the impromptu welcome committee, if you will. ;-) The spirit of the office is as true and beautiful as the vision of the organization. Dignity and justice for everyone in every generation. R to L: me, Emily, Phil, Vicky, Fran, Becky. I'm told that our India staff is here too this week, so I'm hoping they'll let me blog them. Stay tuned. ;-)

Later, this is what I found when I opened up my camera. A still life of home, presumably with Aidan as photographer. Speaking of home, here's the link to the blog by Amanda and her friends. Hi sweeties!!! Mama misses you!!! x0x0x0x0 (as if they are even close to ever reading this)

On a sad note from home, today we are saying good bye to Cookie, my parent's beloved Boston Bull Terrier. She lived a good long full life in Dexter, Minnesota, with occassional cross country trips with my Dad. Here's a picture of her in her favorite position, sleeping under the covers. Every night she would tuck herself into bed, digging herself under the covers and resting her head on the pillow, as though she was human. Bob and I remember, though, the Cookie that was a bullet. All muscle, bursting out of the back door and bounding off the deck seemingly airborne for 10 feet before hitting the ground running. Do dogs go to heaven? I think so.

Anyway, just thought this poem would be a nice thought to close on tonight. Goodnight everyone! :-) Love, T

Love after Love

The time will come

when, with elation,

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror,

and each will smile at the other’s welcome, and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

~ Derek Walcott ~
courtesy of our LWR Virtual U speaker from last week, the amazing John Nunes.

P.S. Podcast find for today: Mysterious Universe.

Baby I'm Ready to Go

No one was happier than Aidan's swimming teacher today when mama panda did not play helicopter parent, ready to swoop down at any moment to save her baby from drowning. Why no swooping today? Because mama panda was not even watching. She was pacing the hallway outside the pool with her new ipod, totally energized with Republica's "Ready to Go." Over and over. Ready to go, baby I'm ready to go.

What happened? I dunno. Just two weeks ago I was still weepy, bleary, vertigo-prone, dazed and malaised, trauma and dramatized. Still recuperating from the diva liver deliverance, I suppose. Now, I seem to be like on some kind of adrenalin rush. It feels great. Like about time. You know how you get so sick of feeling sick. Adrenalin energy is much more enjoyable.

Maybe it's the ipod that Amanda and I are sharing. Very nice bonding thing for a mama and baby panda, by the way. Even got myself a play list, which Amanda helps me organize:

Ready to Go, Republica
Feeling Good, Michael Buble'
Rush, Ali and AJ
SOS, Rhianna
Hips Don't Lie, Shakira
Maybe Tomorrow, Stereophonic
Maybe Tomorrow live, Stereophonic
Maybe Tomorrow, Stereophonic (yes, again)
The Game of Love, Santana
Everybody Wants to Rule the World, Tears for Fears

Or maybe the power surge of attitude comes because in about two weeks I'll be having my throat slit, an occasion that from here on out I shall refer to as my Fancy Nap. And I am totally loving all the attention it's getting me! Cards, music, phone calls, visits, hugs, best wishes. . .all that. Even two lovely new scarves from my parents. It's really great. Thanks everyone! Why wait 'til cancer comes? We should be about this kind of intense relating to one another at all times, in my opinion. Baby, I'm ready to go.

So anyway, this ipod thing is great because you can download all these free podcast thingees, which can be utterly deadly for one who is already a public radio junkie. Practically have every section of the NY Times subscribed to my itunes account. They even have a podcast of the Gonzales hearings from last week, which I heard live so I didn't download. I listened live, by the way, to the dismay of my husband; and my colleague, Phil. What can I say, I'm a nut or a nerd or a fruity juice who just wants justice in the Justice Dept., especially one that says it justifies decisions on just regular folk based on just the facts. Baby, I'm ready to go.

I was also thinking about our LWR Virtual U speaker from last Thursday, John Nunes, and how he said that when you find your vocation(s) you will recognize it, because it's like returning home. It's in your DNA. It is something that comes so much from your core, and often can be covered up in so many layers. But you know it when you see it. It's how you must 'do life' as he says. The compulsion, combustion of your deepest passions.

And then, I realized that the Zenon Dance Company is located about two blocks away from my new downtown office. Dance company, you ask? Yes, I used to dance. A long time ago. Long, long ago. So why couldn't I again? I don't know. Let's see where me, my Fancy Nap, Bob's Fancy Nap, and the so-called call goes because Baby, I'm ready to go.

Thanks everyone. You're all fabulous and I am so blessed and happy and privileged that you are hanging in there with me and all of us. I'm sending good vibes right back at you.

With love, T

P.S. Next weeks' dispatches will come to you live from Baltimore, Maryland, the international headquarters of Lutheran World Relief, from where I will be working. Baby, I'm ready to go.

Here's to the Anti-Bland

I'm so bummed out that Sanjaya was booted off American Idol this week, according to my yahoo news, anyway. I liked him. Has a lotta guts for a 17-year-old. Definitely not boring.

Speaking of entertainment, I'm TOTALLY loving the squirming going on in the Paul Wolfowitz and Alberto Gonzales camps. I won't go there now, except to say that snakes must slither. Hey, I just had a thought, wouldn't it be something if slimy Simon could judge Wolfy and Gonzy?

On to much nicer things, I'm pleased to say that we had a lovely evening last night at the LWR Virtual University. My LWR 'homecoming' thanks to the encouragement of my wonderful colleague, compliments of Lutheran Volunteer Corps, Phil, who held it all together while I was out during Bob's liver expedition. A leader has been born, and that is Phil. Thanks Phil!!!! Our guest speaker, the amazing John Nunes, talked on global vocation and how we must be careful of a church that is "bland leading the bland." Amen to that. Some of his writings are posted on the Virtual U website. For hope and inspiration, I recommend a little time with his material.

Here's to creativity, spirit, exuberance, and a church that bubbles waaaaaaaaaay outside the box. And to individuals who go outside, even when the church doesn't.

For me right now, I gotta go. Thanks so much for coming over.

With love, T

Joketime
Q: What did the Buddha say to the hotdog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.